hater chick is an effin' pain in the ass

This morning I went for a walk. It's a gorgeous day - very sunny and extremely cool. While I was enjoying the weather, I started thinking about my "before" pictures.

2 of the 3 are from a friend's wedding. When I was there, people kept telling me how nice I looked. However, when I look at the pictures, I never really saw that. All I saw was a fat chick amongst her normal size friends.

Last night, I took another look at this picture. The weirdest thing happened - I thought I looked good. Then my inner critic, aka hater chick, started "Are you kidding me? You look pregnant. And those stretch marks...look at CJ - her arms are out and you don't see all that wobble. Don't even get me started on the saggy titties."

The weird thing isn't that I thought I looked good and then hater chick pissed in the Cheerios. The weird thing was that I heard hater chick loud and clear and told her to shut the eff up. I've been working really hard on the emotional end of making over my body and I guess it's starting to pay off. I know now that I will never be successful as long as I continue to let hater chick rule my self image.

In the past, I've always panicked when I got below 290...I would freak out and then do things to sabotage my weight loss process. As hindsight is 20/20, I now know that it was a hater chick thing.

When I was at my lowest adult weight (225 lbs) and size (Women's 14) - hater chick was there making me miserable. She convinced me that it was a fluke and that I was still fat and ugly. The result - instead of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and enjoying my body...I punished it with a 1,000 cal/day diet (no more than 10 g of fat) and daily hour long cardio workouts. I ended up at 247 lbs and with a serious knee injury that put me out of comission for 6 months. By the time I could exercise again, I was up to a Women's Size 24 and I haven't moved far from that since.

So when I would drop below 290 - hater chick would put this little bug in my ear "Remember when you were skinny...remember what it took to get that small and stay that small? Remember how you hurt yourself? And what was the result - you got fat again. Why are you even trying to lose weight? It's just going to happen again. You had it. You lost it. You don't deserve it."

Now it's a different story.

Before, hater chick just lurked in the background as the unseen power player. Because I've put her on blast, she is beginning to lose her power. And that's a good thing because I don't have time to deal with her ish anymore. Since I'm truly sick and tired of being sick and tired of being fat/not loving myself/yadda yadda yadda - I realize that hater chick is nothing more than an effin' pain in the ass.

Take 2

The Makeover Chronicles lives!

What's been going on weight wise?

* I was working my way down to the 280s when I got the flu and since then, I've been hovering around the 300 mark.

Why did I revive The Makeover Chronicles?

* Cuz I read a posting by Pasta Queen which caused me to think about a lot of ish. Then I read a posting by Lorrie and that reminded me of why I was doing this in the first place. Besides, I was much more successful with my efforts when I was blogging.

What's to come?

*Time will tell, time will tell

New things this go around?

* I got around to setting up a flickr account and have posted some pictures with comments.